Red Shirt, Blue Shirt (not to be confused with Red Pill, Blue Pill)

So, what about all those seemingly non-ethical, non-moral decisions in my life? Like... should I do yoga or run today? Or go for the turkey and Swiss or ham and cheddar? Or wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? What SHOULD I chose? Does it even matter? Does God even care about these decisions?

I propose He does and even, in fact, that there might be a right and wrong about each choice. The answers to those questions lies deep in my heart. Although this may seem mysterious (and quite unreachable for many), it really is rather simple... How do I WANT to exercise? What do I PREFER to eat today? Do I really LIKE red or blue better? (And remember, we are talking about non-ethical, non-directly-biblically-addressed issues here).

But why do my personal preferences matter, especially when the question is what SHOULD I do? They matter because I am made in the image of God uniquely. I am the only me He created. And as the creation reflects the Creator, my unique personality, my likes and dislikes, my preferences, reflect Him also... UNIQUELY. Each one of us are made uniquely so that we fit together uniquely, in a beautifully orchestrated body that intensely needs each of its other parts, in an intricately woven plan including all of us.

But in order for me to fully develop the gifts and talents the Lord has created in me, that the rest of the Body needs in order to function according to His will, I have to follow the old "know thyself" wisdom. Not as an end in myself, but as an opportunity to grow even closer to the One who created me; to learn about who He is and to learn to love the unique plan He has for me inside that glorious will.

Knowing myself has many other benefits, of course, like being able to recognize my own will (and therefore recognize its compatibility with the Lord's will) and reaching a deeper understanding of the depths of my own sinfulness and therefore need for a Savior. But there is a whole slew of Greek tragedies and Socratic ramblings out there for those who want to delve further. For now I'm just going to put on my red shirt.

Heart Healer

This weekend on a little trip to the Buffalo River with my family, my parents got a little miffed at eachother and my mother said something about feeling like she couldn't do anything right. I felt a little uncomfortable and excused myself outdoors to "pack" for a while to give them a chance to work it out without an audience. Little did I (or my parents) realize there were a couple of little ears listening to their tiff.

Later when I walked into the cabin, I see my mother bleary-eyed and sniffling, so I ask if she is alright. She proceeds to tell me that India walked up to her and said, "I want to hold you MiMi." My mother picks her up and India begins to comfort her saying, "I love you, MiMi. Nobody's perfect. Not mommy or daddy or Uncle Dusty or Bailey - do you know Bailey Blair? It's okay. Nobody's perfect except God and Jesus." And my mother just bawls.

I love my girl India. In that moment, she reflected the heart of God.

Go.

Beginning last August, the Lord began leading Cass and me on an adventure. He's asked Cass to pursue his music more by encouraging him through others and building his passion to create and perform. We don't know what this looks like practically, but we can see He has something else planned for us.

Sadly this means we have left New Life Ranch. We've bought a house and Cass is currently delving into new forms of employment (mostly handyman stuff and small music ventures). It was very hard for us to leave with all the wonderful gifts New Life Ranch has too offer, the least of which is a great job where you know what you do matters. We loved serving there and have been served in at least as many ways as we have given. I can hardly imagine not growing my kids up there amongst such loving people in a beautiful valley set apart.

We chose to let everyone know BEFORE we had a plan, because we felt we could make better decisions with the support and wisdom of the loving people around us. We also knew we might look a little bit like lunatics, running out on a very safe-looking living and job situation in a very unsafe-looking economy. But really, what's safer... depending on our fallible, limited selves to take care of our money, health insurance, stability and pride or depending on a loving, all-knowing God who's done nothing less than sacrifice his very life to be near us? Do we take the risks (with kids in mix, I might add) to follow a faint, yet clear calling of the God we know?

After weighing the risks of living on my own terms or living to seek the Lord Jesus, I had to go for the calling. I feel confident in what I know and what I've seen of the Lord's work in my life. In calling me out of the inescapable vortex of selfishness I knew before Him, in bringing me to Cass, in forgiving me of seemingly unforgivable errors and then redeeming me in spite of them, in caring for me in ways I never could have cared for myself. I had to go for it.

The Stepsister

When we were at Wal-Mart the other day, looking at costumes for Halloween, India debated for about 10 minutes about which princess she wanted to be. As I was trying to coax her toward the $15 costumes (rather than the $20 Disney costumes), she suddenly stopped and stared at me and said loud enough for anyone w/in 100 feet to hear, "Mom, I think I want to be a stepsister."

"What?!?" I asked, thinking I had heard her wrong.

"A stepsister!" She yelled even louder. We quickly grabbed up the gaudiest, poofiest hoop skirt sort of southern belle dress they had and headed for the register. I'm sure you'll see those pictures soon.

Tired

Cass got 4 hours of sleep last night; on the early end because he couldn't sleep, on the late end because he had to leave for church at 6:30. Then we spent all day doing things that had to be done. All day literally. It's now 11:23 and he's still down in the shop working on the recruiting display. He's tired. He misses us. We miss him. Every time Jude heard or saw him today he began his "Daddy! Daddy!" chant which he yells like a football cheer, then ran straight into his arms and held him for as long as they both could handle it. Precious.

Dark

Tonight India, Jude and I walked home for about a mile in complete darkness, except for a few twinkling stars above us. This wasn't the faded navy of the city, but the deep, dark, you-have-to-let-your-eyes-adjust midnight black of the country night.

It was beautiful. India was a bit scared at first, saying she couldn't see me, but after a few minutes they both began oohing and aahing, with giggling mixed in between. The crickets crooned and I found myself wondering what I was stepping on (and in maybe?).

The silencing of my sight was a blessing. I could focus on my hilarious stroller companions, the faithfulness of my dog and the lullaby provided by our Father in Heaven. Thank you Jesus.

Toothpaste

Yesterday morning my son spent a full 20 minutes in timeout over putting the toothpaste back in the drawer. Yes, 20 minutes. Now, before you think I'm inhumane, please know that I gave him a chance EVERY MINUTE to chose to put the tube away. And EVERY MINUTE he refused.

"Jude, are you ready to put the toothpaste in the drawer."
"Uh uh."
"Okay, timeout."
(one minute later)
"Jude, you need to obey mommy. It's time to put the toothpaste away. It's not a toy. Let's go put it away, okay?"
"Uh uh."
"Okay, timeout."
(one minute later)
"Jude, are you ready to put the toothpaste away now?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay, good boy! Let's go..."
Stands up, stares at toothpaste, gets glazed look in his eyes.
"Jude? Come on, buddy. Let's go. Pick up the toothpaste."
Still staring. Now starts picking up his feet and rocking back and forth, APPEARING to start to walk toward the toothpaste, but really not even getting an inch closer.
"Jude, are you going to get the toothpaste?"
"Uh uh."
I roll my eyes and resist banging my head on the wall. "Okay buddy. Timeout." (continues for 18 more minutes).

Now while all this is going on, I am thinking..."Is this too hard for him? Am I asking too much? I mean, he's only 18 months old. Maybe he doesn't understand. Does he even understand the word 'drawer?' It's a big one. Maybe this is totally unreasonable. Maybe I'm too demanding. A slave driver. Who am I to think my 18 month old baby needs to be doing chores like this. Gosh, Brandi. Just put in the drawer for him. Are you really too lazy to just pick up the dang toothpaste and put it in the drawer? This is such a waste of time on a busy day! One more try..."

Then I got smart and said, "Okay, Jude. You just stay there until you're ready to put it away," praying this would not be a 5 hour stand off. Then I would really feel like a slave driver. (All this , by the way, is in between him getting out of bed on the way to the kitchen, so he hasn't even had breakfast yet.) I then walk into the bathroom to do something and (I'm not exaggerating here) TWO SECONDS LATER he waddles in and drops the toothpaste into the drawer.

Seriously. Who is in charge here? Who runs this ship? And I thought he didn't understand the word "drawer."

Train Track

It kind of feels like right now we're on a train track, with no obvious upcoming derailments. We're clacking along, doing our thing, working, playing, cleaning, biking, running, driving, reading, sleeping. You know. No major bumps.

I know the Lord gives us these times to let us relax a bit, to just enjoy our lives w/him and w/each other. I'm pretty much refusing to get antsy about it. Why not just enjoy the peace? I know war time will come soon enough: changes, challenges, obstacles.

Some days I miss my bro. Some days I feel sad for the desperation I meet. Some days I feel frustrated w/myself for not being more like Jesus to my kids. But for the most part, we're okay. We're making it. There is enough grace for all that. So for now, click clack, click clack. We're just riding along.

The pic is India's first self-portrait (age 3).

The beginning of fall

We're into the new schedule now. I am only working outside our home two (can you believe it???) days a week and spending the rest of the time at home w/the kiddos. Carrie Tucker and Jane are our new nannies (really Jane does quite a bit of the kid wrangling from what I hear) and they are doing a WONDERFUL job. Our previous nanny got married (yay Miss Jenn!) I am so thankful for them both, not only providing consistent care for my kids, but also loving, fun people for them to be around. It's good for them also to learn to get along with other kids.Cass has been doing a lot with his music lately, mixing the 50th reunion jam w/Chris Moore, which sounds remarkably well for being recorded live outdoors when it was oh, about 150 degrees out (Ben? where are you when we need you, exaggeration coordinator?). Especially the Let Love take. I can't wait for you guys to hear it. Maybe he can get it up on his site soon. It is really exciting to see the Lord developing Cass's talents and building his confidence to the point of being able to share more w/others. I am very excited to see what He will bring next.
I am loving my counseling job. I meet the most incredible people. Sure they have their problems (like we all do) but they are humble enough to deal with them and exhibit incredible strength despite their plights. Really amazing. Most days (not all) I come home so full of hope for both them and myself in my own struggles.

Lately I have been missing my bro and sis a ton over there in S. Korea. I know they followed the Lord there, but it is a killer not to experience just the little everyday things with them, like laughing at the kids' dancing or drinking Cass's incredible sweet tea on the front porch. I am so glad they only have a few more months left.

We are heading off on vacation with our best friends soon, to Twin Lakes, CO, in little bear lodge for a time of rest, relaxation, and hopefully some incredible road biking and hiking. We can't wait and we are sure the kids will have the time of their lives with the MiMi, Papa, Nanny and Pops.

India also starts preschool this week. I can hardly believe it. I think I might actually be sad when she goes, but I'm going to do my best not to let her see it. When I visited her classroom I couldn't stop thinking about how hard it is going to be to get her to want to come home at the end of the day. The fun and toys lined up for her look incredible.

Oh, and Cass and I did our very first bike race together, 25 miles of the the Hotter'n'Hell Hundred, in Wichita Falls, TX. (like my race-car helmet?) The temp wasn't really too bad and we had a lot of fun. Cass only wrecked once, and it was during the nation anthem before we even started, but I think he was just trying to make the 8-yr-old next to him feel better for doing the same thing. We were both really impressed w/our other friends who did the 100 mile race. Luke and Geoff were right around 5 hrs and although it took Ben around 9 hrs, he showed some incredible tenacity in finishing.

3 Weeks and Counting

3 weeks till the NLR 50th reunion. 3 weeks till I'm done coaching. 3 weeks until we get to relax.

Every week we lead off with an MSM that seems pretty normal. No big bumps, a few busy nights, maybe a weekend adventure. But by Thursday half our hairs have been plucked out and we lay melting into the coach well before 10. Are we old already?

But we're in this for the long haul, so here's how we're going to make it... wake up, pray for a moment before leaping out of bed and stumbling bleary eyed off to work with a quick wink at the babysitter and a sly sneak out the back door to avoid elephant tears and break-your-heart goodbyes. Then a whirlwind of activities and bust-your-eardrums mealtimes in the dining hall, with entertainment to spare, to a quick dip in the quickly-becoming-bathwater feeling NLR pool and a chilly rinse in the outdoor shower before sliding between the sheets dog tired to rest up for the next day. And if you're lucky we'll have a moment or two of complete silence while we stare each other in the eye and marvel at how in the heck we got this far (almost 7 years now!) with so many blessings.

The Lord is good. Before we know it, the 50th will be here and Cass and his beautiful patchwork band will be playing their hearts out and the rest of us will be standing there, swaying in awe of all that God is and all that he has been for us and all that he has brought us through, knowing that there is so much more grace to come.

Omaha...somewhere in middle America

So we just got back from the USA Swimming Olympic Trials in Omaha. Never been to Omaha, but I won't dread a return trip; it actually wasn't too bad of a town. They had a big storm blow through the night before with 100 mph winds that caused a lot of damage, so it looked a little like a warzone when we first rolled in.
We attended the 2nd day of the trials. If you aren't familiar with the trials it's pretty easy to understand: if you want to swim in the Olympics for USA, you have to swim and place in the trials. All the big names were there. It was really cool. We saw 2 world records beaten which was awesome. The place went crazy. Brandi took some cool pictures of some of the athletes from our nose-bleed seats. I was impressed with the zoom on our camera.

Above is a shot of Michael Phelps getting ready to take the block
Below is Katie Hoff

Water

It's either falling at great rates from the sky, or disappearing from our holding tanks. How can you have too much and not enough of the same thing? On Wednesday morning, I got a call that there was no running water in half of the camp. Not good. I checked one of our tanks which holds approx 22,000 gallons and it was empty. Not good. After spending much of the day looking for a leak, we figured out that the pump 360 feet in the ground that fed that holding tank wasn't pumping the volume of water it normally did. The pump had finally wore out. It was good to find the source of the problem but pulling and replacing pumps is expensive. The bright side of this is that because of the rain we've had, our underground aquifers were providing plenty of water to our other tanks to keep up with the demand at camp. Thank the Lord for providing. Today I'm enjoying a day off at home.

Camp has begun

It's official...237 campers showed up on Sunday and we kicked off another summer season! It started out a little rocky on Sunday morning. Right after I signed off, it began raining harder than it has in a long time and it flooded two of our basements. We have an incredible staff here that all pulled together to get stuff cleaned up. By the time the campers arrived, it was hard to notice it had rained so hard here. Praise God he spared us from any worse flooding! Please pray for us as we enter into this season. Every area of our ministry is affected in some way with this much going on. Kevin, our food service coordinator said they fed 467 people at lunch yesterday! Whoa!

1st day of camp

It's Sunday morning and we're hanging out with the kids while they act like monkeys. I was going to mow, but it's raining, and I'd rather be doing this anyway.
Today is the first day of camp. It's an awesome time around here. Anticipation is high. Jude is playing the harmonica. India is strumming a guitar that plays metal music while she sings Jesus Loves Me at the top of her lungs. It's a good day
OK, back to the madness!